December 10, 2023

Dear Handsome,

Today I got nothing done that I was planning to get done. I wanted to clean my tiny house and got scorched earth on everything, but that's not how my day went. I spent most of it running around town, trying to return things, picking up orders, and dropping things off to people. I didn't get home until around 4 p.m., which is when I was finally able to eat.

I started spiraling around 6 p.m. and had two glasses of wine by 9, which isn't normal. The pain and thoughts of you kept bubbling up. I think that's because I was just overwhelmed and anxious. My thoughts kept spinning and I realized all I wanted to do was run. I started looking into flights to Ohio because Mike is there and I could literally run to him for my birthday. But the cost of the flights is more than I have at the moment, and the damn trains are just as expensive and take 4 days in one direction. I will say this though, I would love to travel by train. It would give me time to focus and write, or read or whatever. I think if I were to go visit Mike, I would consider going by train because it would be a fun experience.

When I was in the McDonald's drive-thru, I decided to pay for Tinder Gold for the week because it was 50% off. I was in a place where I just wanted to see who liked me because this guy Mike I was talking to wasn't overly responsive, and FB Dating wasn't producing anyone, and I found someone. He's very promising. We've been talking off and on the entire afternoon, and into the evening. What I like about him is that he isn't pushy. He seems like a real guy. He's made me smile a few times, told me I'm gorgeous and loves my eyes... And he's sincere about it. He's the first man I've spoken to over the last few weeks who is normal and can hold a conversation.

When I talk to him, I forget about you. He makes me laugh and feel special and transports me to a place where it's just us. I can focus and hold a conversation without feeling like I'm bleeding everywhere. I can be me and be vulnerable and let down my walls. I'm not sure how soon I'll be ready for intimacy with someone, but he's not pressuring me, which is a nice change of pace. Everything is when we get there, and that is so refreshing. He doesn't want money or to move in or to marry me after three seconds of conversation. For the first time in a month, I'm actually hopeful.

He's messaging me now. So I'm going to focus on him and not the pain.

Goodnight.

I love you.

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December 9, 2023

Dear Handsome,

Today has been difficult. I broke down giving my coffee order to the barista at Starbucks this morning. I pulled it together enough to finish, but shed a few tears as I switched my playlist to Christmas music. I know I've already said this before, and I'll say it again, driving is the hardest time of day. It allows me time to think about you. Seeing as how I have to drive to Shasta Lake for an event tonight and then Anderson to serve as my Dad's designated driver, I'll have plenty of time alone with myself and my thoughts of you.

Work was insane. I was able to knock out 1,000 words and finish chapter 17 in Finders Keepers, which is something I've been on for 2 weeks. I felt accomplished but realized I'm 8 chapters away from finishing the book and not 5, which is upsetting. It means I have to spend more time in a world I built with you in mind. It's beyond painful, and unbearable. Writing scenes with Dane makes me cry. Try as I might to block and barricade the door where I stuffed the memories of you, they slip out unbidden.

My best friend Jenn said something to me, and she's right. I know she's right because it's been a thought of mine for a while. She said if I were reading a book where I was the heroine, would I want her in the situation I was in? The answer is no. She deserves to be in a situation where she is loved by the hero, not being used as a placeholder. Again, I've known this for 15 months. Why did I stay?

That's the curious thing. I was happy single. I didn't, and still don't, want a traditional relationship. I'm a romance writer who doesn't believe in soul mates, and since the age of 14 has felt her soul mate is dead or doesn't exist because I've never met anyone I've ever had a connection to outside of Eric. I didn't even have a soul connection with my ex-husband. But you turned around and it felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. I couldn't breathe. My soul screamed, and suddenly, I knew what all those damn love songs were about. At this moment in time, I feel like I could have lived my life without knowing this feeling and the astounding torture of losing you, and been just fine.

Again, I ask what purpose did you serve in my life? Why did God put you in my life only for you to leave it? I still don't understand and I'm not sure I ever will.

The vendor event went well. I got to hang out with Ashley and Jon and tell them what happened between us. It was nice having people understand our relationship, and also understand both sides. While they may not agree with how you left, at least they were there to listen, which is half the healing process. People who listen. They aren't the only people who have listened to me, but they were the first people I've told face-to-face. When I told a couple of my guy friends, it was all about getting me into bed. How is that helpful? I had 18 months with you and fell in love with you. It hasn't even been a week. That was the other nice part about Jon. He understood on a lot of levels, as did Ashley, and for 4 hours, I wasn't in pain.

Then I went to my Dad's company's Christmas party. It was fun and I was able to eat, which was great because I hadn't eaten all day. I was able to chat and distract myself from everything for a while until they turned on the music for dancing. At that point, it was too loud for conversation, and my thoughts drifted to you. I ended up messaging Jenn and telling her about my conversation with Matt and my thoughts on you. There was a moment when I thought I was going to start crying at the table, but I managed to pull it together.

We ended up at the Hen House, where I reconnected with the bartender. He and I went to college together. He played football and I used to interview him when I was the sports editor for The Lance. During the hour we spent there I was able to talk to my Dad's co-workers. There was one person there who I connected with. She and I talked for a while. I told them I was a writer/author and she kindly asked all sorts of questions. She was so easy to talk to that I told her about you and what happened. She told me she was sorry and asked how I was, I said it was fine and I was okay, but she knew I wasn't. I won't lie, I did start to cry but held it together. We chatted the entire time, and I gave her my number so she could pick my brain regarding a project she is working on.

I didn't let myself fall apart until I was at my house changing for bed. I gave myself 5 minutes to cry. Then I pulled myself back together, said a prayer for you like I always do, and got ready for bed. I think I'm going to go through my closet and get rid of all my lingerie. Get rid of every single piece I ever wore for you. I don't think it will make me feel better or help me heal, but it will give me something to do.

Goodnight, Handsome.

I love you.

December 7, 2023

Dear Handsome,

I woke up this morning and my eyes were puffy and swollen. I did sleep through the night once I fell asleep. I didn't dream, which was nice.

I had to take the Mini to the shop this morning for a new oil pan, oil change, tire alignment, fixing the third door because it won't open, and oil pressure sensor. I'm sure that's going to run me a pretty penny, but you know me. I always handle problems right way with my car. Could I have delayed the oil pan? Yeah, I could have, but why risk something happening?

Driving is the hardest time of day. I can distract myself with so many different things. Not fiction writing apparently because I can't complete the last five chapters of Finders Keepers. I wrote a note to you in my phone. I don't know if I'll send it, but it did help take the edge off my anxiety. Your name is also everywhere. I had to be on social media to post, and there your name is, taunting me.

I ate breakfast and managed to keep it down. I've lost 4 pounds since Monday, so yay me. I'll for sure make my weight loss goal by the end of the year, which is my birthday, at this rate. So woohoo! Then I'll work on dropping another 30 pounds in the new year.

My best friend bought us tiaras and tickets to see Six: The Musical in February in celebration of Emerging Ember making Barnes and Nobles Top Indie Favorites list. I need to promote the hell out of the book on not only social media, but Pinterest too. Time is both dragging and flying by as I handle everyting but what I need to. I have to pick up a flyer for an event I have on Saturday, get an email address for my manager at Crown so I can submit the letter of resignation I wrote, and ask to get off an hour and a half early on Saturday. Meanwhile, you are never far from my thoughts, which is typical. Most days you were never far from my thoughts.

I miss you. I haven't cried today, which is probably progress, but the day is still young. It's only 1:07 p.m. I have to record some videos and see if I can get my book into not only Barnes, but some indie bookstores as well. Getting into a bookstore is hard in general, so fingers crossed I can manage to get into one. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. I just feel numb and lost. I'll say another prayer for you and go fold laudry, where I'm sure I'll have another conversation with God. At least it will be another distraction from the pain. I'll write more this evening, my laptop is dying and the children need me.

I made it until I had to drive to pick up my Office Depot order around 6:30 p.m. I was driving down 299 and there was an ambulance behind me. Something inside me collapsed and I lost it. I changed my playlist on Pandora and started praying again as I tried to stem the tears. I keep thinking to myself if I can last the week, then I can last another. But it's hurts.

I did eat dinner. I didn't feel sick when I ate it. I considered that a win. I also sent my resignation letter to my second job and registered Liam for classes. I still don't have Liam's files from his school, and I haven't heard from anyone at the County or his school. I am so frustrated. My anxiety is destroying me. My mind keeps whirling, trying to get things off my ever increasing to do list. Through it all, I think of you.

I didn't get my car back. The Mini needed front brakes, and there was an oil leak near the camshaft, so that was extra time and money. My Uncle also wasn't sure if they would be able to fix the third door. He said it might be a dealer only part, which means a trip to Sacramento. Good thing I'll be there for a musical, so I can schedule it then. It'll give me time to recover from this $1,000 visit.

I have been messaging a few guys. I haven't heard from New Guy since Sunday. I don't think I'm going to hear from him either. I'm not sure if any of the 5 guys I'm messaging will amount to anything, but we'll see. I've already been unmatched with by about 4 different guys, so that's encouraging. I don't even know what I'm doing at this point other than looking for a distraction. And what kills me is that I'm looking for a distraction from you and our friendship or whatever it is. We could still be friends, but I don't know if you want that because we aren't talking.

I'm going to revist the note I wrote you. Maybe cut it down a little so it doesn't read like a short novel. I might finish chapter 17 of Finders Keepers, which at this point would be a tremendous win in terms of my fiction writing this week. The only wiritng I've done this week is basically this journal, and personal essays. I need to get that story finished, but its hard because a part of me has to channel a part of you to write Dane. I'll probably put on the Falling In Reverse playlist and write the last 500-600 words. I'll draw from our time together and my readers will love it. Meanwhile, I'll continue to bleed out because I can't figure out how to let you go.

There is a list of things I need to accomplish by the end of the year; yet, I can't find it in me to care. I'm overwhelmed. I'm drownnig in myself. My mind is a prison, trapping me as I flip from one task to another. I'm considering taking one of my anxiety pills, which is something I haven't done in months, but I can't handle feeling emotions. I haven't had to feel emotions in a decade, and over this past year, I've been getting back to emotions and feeling again. It's been hard, but to have everything dumped on me like it has been over the last four weeks, it's too much.

You know a sliver of what I'm battling right now, but then you pull out and leave? What the fuck! I can't find the purose for you in my pain. And now I'm wondering. When you said you were still in love with the mother of your children, was that code for she broke up with the guy she left me for and I'm trying to win her back? If so, then why not just fucking say that! Would I still be destroyed? God fucking yes! But would it be honest? Hell yes!

I love you. I'm going to get ready for bed, and hope I can fall asleep in a reasonable time tonight.

Goodnight.

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