December 10, 2023

Dear Handsome,

Today I got nothing done that I was planning to get done. I wanted to clean my tiny house and got scorched earth on everything, but that's not how my day went. I spent most of it running around town, trying to return things, picking up orders, and dropping things off to people. I didn't get home until around 4 p.m., which is when I was finally able to eat.

I started spiraling around 6 p.m. and had two glasses of wine by 9, which isn't normal. The pain and thoughts of you kept bubbling up. I think that's because I was just overwhelmed and anxious. My thoughts kept spinning and I realized all I wanted to do was run. I started looking into flights to Ohio because Mike is there and I could literally run to him for my birthday. But the cost of the flights is more than I have at the moment, and the damn trains are just as expensive and take 4 days in one direction. I will say this though, I would love to travel by train. It would give me time to focus and write, or read or whatever. I think if I were to go visit Mike, I would consider going by train because it would be a fun experience.

When I was in the McDonald's drive-thru, I decided to pay for Tinder Gold for the week because it was 50% off. I was in a place where I just wanted to see who liked me because this guy Mike I was talking to wasn't overly responsive, and FB Dating wasn't producing anyone, and I found someone. He's very promising. We've been talking off and on the entire afternoon, and into the evening. What I like about him is that he isn't pushy. He seems like a real guy. He's made me smile a few times, told me I'm gorgeous and loves my eyes... And he's sincere about it. He's the first man I've spoken to over the last few weeks who is normal and can hold a conversation.

When I talk to him, I forget about you. He makes me laugh and feel special and transports me to a place where it's just us. I can focus and hold a conversation without feeling like I'm bleeding everywhere. I can be me and be vulnerable and let down my walls. I'm not sure how soon I'll be ready for intimacy with someone, but he's not pressuring me, which is a nice change of pace. Everything is when we get there, and that is so refreshing. He doesn't want money or to move in or to marry me after three seconds of conversation. For the first time in a month, I'm actually hopeful.

He's messaging me now. So I'm going to focus on him and not the pain.

Goodnight.

I love you.

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December 8, 2023

Dear Handsome,

My eyes weren't as puffy this morning and I'm down another pound. I lose one more pound and I'll hit my 30-pound weight loss goal for the year. I've had two cups of coffee this morning, and am fresh out of distractions here at work. It's almost noon, so maybe I can make myself lunch. I think I might turn on Christmas music, but I'm not feeling very festive.

I am going to go scorched earth over the tiny house tonight and Sunday. I have an event tomorrow night as well as my Dad's Christmas party, so I won't be able to clean and put things away. However, I'm to a point now where I just want space over things, so I'm hoping that will inspire a productive cleaning spree.

It's now 2:51 p.m. and I finally ate lunch. It was some leftover pizza from my Dad's poker game. I don't even like pizza, but it was available this morning so I wouldn't have to drive my Mom's Highlander home for lunch. I'm still waiting to hear from my Uncle regarding my Mini. I forgot to grab my work keys out of it, so that has made today interesting.

I've plotted out my next book series. I'm going to base it on my dating life and these journals. Monitizing pain seems like the way to go. I'm sure there are people out there who would disagree, but as of right now, it's a fantastic idea. I have to wedge it in between my other projects for the new year, but it seems completely manageable.

As of now, I don't relish the idea of spending my birthday alone. I lamented that fact to Mike, who told me he was sorry. I even asked him what's wrong with me. I managed to avoid a breakdown at work, but not a few tears. He told me I was pretty and that there is nothing wrong with me. I disagree with him though. I think you're trying to win back your ex-wife, which means a couple of things – you still loved her the entire time you were with me, and I wasn't worthy of any form of consideration. Then a few days ago when I spoke to my ex-husband he all but admitted my ex-sister-in-law may have been the one that got away for him. I mean, it was bad enough when he told me he settled for me in September of last year, but then to follow that up with Tiffany wrecked me for any woman who came after her. Wow, thanks for that. Then there is Eric, who I felt a connection to, but he didn't feel one for me. He's married to a wonderful woman and they have 3 beautiful children. I'm tired of meeting men who don't want me.

If Messenger pings one more motherfucking time, I might have a mental breakdown. It's never you. I've silenced literally every notification and conversation I can on there just so it won't ping, but I can't do that with the cousin chat. Every time I feel the compulsion to check my phone, knowing deep inside my soul it won't be you, but that doesn't stop the hopefulness that maybe you've changed your mind. That maybe you cared more for me than you were willing to admit. Even as I type this I know I'm wrong, but God bless I wish I was right.

Why? Why were you in my life? What the fuck purpose have you served other than to crush me twice in as many weeks? When I see your name, which is the first and last name of way the fuck too many people, all I want to do is throw my phone. It would do absolutely nothing other than give me a new problem to fix, but I just want to stop feeling like my heart is being ripped out of my chest at every little thing that reminds me of you.

I wrote 7 sentences in Finders Keepers. If I could kill Dane off and give her a new love interest to marry I would. My fans and readers would burn my brand to the ground, but it might be worth it at this point. Then like a phoenix, I could rise from the ashes of my career. I need to finish that damn book. Then I can be done with Dane and Blythe for a while. I just need to focus for 5 or 6 more chapters, but I can't. Every time I try, I'm distracted by memories of you because, after all, you're Dane.

I made dream catchers tonight. It was a nice distraction. I also chatted with a nice guy named Mike. I'm hoping something comes of our conversations, like maybe a coffee date or something. There is another guy I'm talking to, but that's mostly us discussing writing. I don't see it going past where we are right now.

Chris is now messaging me. I don't think he is aware we are over... Unless he's been on Locals, in which case he is fully aware. Either way, he's on Messenger and it's triggering me. I was in the car for too long today. I never had full breakdowns, but I still broke down. I prayed for you each time. I hope your happy.

You know what I miss the most right now? The option to message you. Even if I didn't message you, there was still a choice. Now there isn't a choice. I also miss the sound of your voice, and your smile and laugh. When I made you smile or laugh it was a personal victory because I knew in that moment you were with me and the farthest away from the pain. Are you in pain? Have you found someone new? You're not on the dating sites, so I think you're trying to win her back.

As much as I wish you the best and every success and happiness, I can be selfish. I'll admit there is a small part of me that hopes you come back. I don't know why I have a soul connection with you, but you feel nothing for me. However, that could be explained by so many things, the least of which is your pain. I don't think we're done with each other, but that could be my pain and denial talking. It's close to midnight and I should attempt sleep. It never comes easy, but at least I stay asleep and haven't been dreaming, which is a win.

I love you. I wish I had told you that the last time I saw you. But you knew... It's why I'm sitting here writing this.

Goodnight.

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December 7, 2023

Dear Handsome,

I woke up this morning and my eyes were puffy and swollen. I did sleep through the night once I fell asleep. I didn't dream, which was nice.

I had to take the Mini to the shop this morning for a new oil pan, oil change, tire alignment, fixing the third door because it won't open, and oil pressure sensor. I'm sure that's going to run me a pretty penny, but you know me. I always handle problems right way with my car. Could I have delayed the oil pan? Yeah, I could have, but why risk something happening?

Driving is the hardest time of day. I can distract myself with so many different things. Not fiction writing apparently because I can't complete the last five chapters of Finders Keepers. I wrote a note to you in my phone. I don't know if I'll send it, but it did help take the edge off my anxiety. Your name is also everywhere. I had to be on social media to post, and there your name is, taunting me.

I ate breakfast and managed to keep it down. I've lost 4 pounds since Monday, so yay me. I'll for sure make my weight loss goal by the end of the year, which is my birthday, at this rate. So woohoo! Then I'll work on dropping another 30 pounds in the new year.

My best friend bought us tiaras and tickets to see Six: The Musical in February in celebration of Emerging Ember making Barnes and Nobles Top Indie Favorites list. I need to promote the hell out of the book on not only social media, but Pinterest too. Time is both dragging and flying by as I handle everyting but what I need to. I have to pick up a flyer for an event I have on Saturday, get an email address for my manager at Crown so I can submit the letter of resignation I wrote, and ask to get off an hour and a half early on Saturday. Meanwhile, you are never far from my thoughts, which is typical. Most days you were never far from my thoughts.

I miss you. I haven't cried today, which is probably progress, but the day is still young. It's only 1:07 p.m. I have to record some videos and see if I can get my book into not only Barnes, but some indie bookstores as well. Getting into a bookstore is hard in general, so fingers crossed I can manage to get into one. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. I just feel numb and lost. I'll say another prayer for you and go fold laudry, where I'm sure I'll have another conversation with God. At least it will be another distraction from the pain. I'll write more this evening, my laptop is dying and the children need me.

I made it until I had to drive to pick up my Office Depot order around 6:30 p.m. I was driving down 299 and there was an ambulance behind me. Something inside me collapsed and I lost it. I changed my playlist on Pandora and started praying again as I tried to stem the tears. I keep thinking to myself if I can last the week, then I can last another. But it's hurts.

I did eat dinner. I didn't feel sick when I ate it. I considered that a win. I also sent my resignation letter to my second job and registered Liam for classes. I still don't have Liam's files from his school, and I haven't heard from anyone at the County or his school. I am so frustrated. My anxiety is destroying me. My mind keeps whirling, trying to get things off my ever increasing to do list. Through it all, I think of you.

I didn't get my car back. The Mini needed front brakes, and there was an oil leak near the camshaft, so that was extra time and money. My Uncle also wasn't sure if they would be able to fix the third door. He said it might be a dealer only part, which means a trip to Sacramento. Good thing I'll be there for a musical, so I can schedule it then. It'll give me time to recover from this $1,000 visit.

I have been messaging a few guys. I haven't heard from New Guy since Sunday. I don't think I'm going to hear from him either. I'm not sure if any of the 5 guys I'm messaging will amount to anything, but we'll see. I've already been unmatched with by about 4 different guys, so that's encouraging. I don't even know what I'm doing at this point other than looking for a distraction. And what kills me is that I'm looking for a distraction from you and our friendship or whatever it is. We could still be friends, but I don't know if you want that because we aren't talking.

I'm going to revist the note I wrote you. Maybe cut it down a little so it doesn't read like a short novel. I might finish chapter 17 of Finders Keepers, which at this point would be a tremendous win in terms of my fiction writing this week. The only wiritng I've done this week is basically this journal, and personal essays. I need to get that story finished, but its hard because a part of me has to channel a part of you to write Dane. I'll probably put on the Falling In Reverse playlist and write the last 500-600 words. I'll draw from our time together and my readers will love it. Meanwhile, I'll continue to bleed out because I can't figure out how to let you go.

There is a list of things I need to accomplish by the end of the year; yet, I can't find it in me to care. I'm overwhelmed. I'm drownnig in myself. My mind is a prison, trapping me as I flip from one task to another. I'm considering taking one of my anxiety pills, which is something I haven't done in months, but I can't handle feeling emotions. I haven't had to feel emotions in a decade, and over this past year, I've been getting back to emotions and feeling again. It's been hard, but to have everything dumped on me like it has been over the last four weeks, it's too much.

You know a sliver of what I'm battling right now, but then you pull out and leave? What the fuck! I can't find the purose for you in my pain. And now I'm wondering. When you said you were still in love with the mother of your children, was that code for she broke up with the guy she left me for and I'm trying to win her back? If so, then why not just fucking say that! Would I still be destroyed? God fucking yes! But would it be honest? Hell yes!

I love you. I'm going to get ready for bed, and hope I can fall asleep in a reasonable time tonight.

Goodnight.

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