December 10, 2023

Dear Handsome,

Today I got nothing done that I was planning to get done. I wanted to clean my tiny house and got scorched earth on everything, but that's not how my day went. I spent most of it running around town, trying to return things, picking up orders, and dropping things off to people. I didn't get home until around 4 p.m., which is when I was finally able to eat.

I started spiraling around 6 p.m. and had two glasses of wine by 9, which isn't normal. The pain and thoughts of you kept bubbling up. I think that's because I was just overwhelmed and anxious. My thoughts kept spinning and I realized all I wanted to do was run. I started looking into flights to Ohio because Mike is there and I could literally run to him for my birthday. But the cost of the flights is more than I have at the moment, and the damn trains are just as expensive and take 4 days in one direction. I will say this though, I would love to travel by train. It would give me time to focus and write, or read or whatever. I think if I were to go visit Mike, I would consider going by train because it would be a fun experience.

When I was in the McDonald's drive-thru, I decided to pay for Tinder Gold for the week because it was 50% off. I was in a place where I just wanted to see who liked me because this guy Mike I was talking to wasn't overly responsive, and FB Dating wasn't producing anyone, and I found someone. He's very promising. We've been talking off and on the entire afternoon, and into the evening. What I like about him is that he isn't pushy. He seems like a real guy. He's made me smile a few times, told me I'm gorgeous and loves my eyes... And he's sincere about it. He's the first man I've spoken to over the last few weeks who is normal and can hold a conversation.

When I talk to him, I forget about you. He makes me laugh and feel special and transports me to a place where it's just us. I can focus and hold a conversation without feeling like I'm bleeding everywhere. I can be me and be vulnerable and let down my walls. I'm not sure how soon I'll be ready for intimacy with someone, but he's not pressuring me, which is a nice change of pace. Everything is when we get there, and that is so refreshing. He doesn't want money or to move in or to marry me after three seconds of conversation. For the first time in a month, I'm actually hopeful.

He's messaging me now. So I'm going to focus on him and not the pain.

Goodnight.

I love you.

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December 9, 2023

Dear Handsome,

Today has been difficult. I broke down giving my coffee order to the barista at Starbucks this morning. I pulled it together enough to finish, but shed a few tears as I switched my playlist to Christmas music. I know I've already said this before, and I'll say it again, driving is the hardest time of day. It allows me time to think about you. Seeing as how I have to drive to Shasta Lake for an event tonight and then Anderson to serve as my Dad's designated driver, I'll have plenty of time alone with myself and my thoughts of you.

Work was insane. I was able to knock out 1,000 words and finish chapter 17 in Finders Keepers, which is something I've been on for 2 weeks. I felt accomplished but realized I'm 8 chapters away from finishing the book and not 5, which is upsetting. It means I have to spend more time in a world I built with you in mind. It's beyond painful, and unbearable. Writing scenes with Dane makes me cry. Try as I might to block and barricade the door where I stuffed the memories of you, they slip out unbidden.

My best friend Jenn said something to me, and she's right. I know she's right because it's been a thought of mine for a while. She said if I were reading a book where I was the heroine, would I want her in the situation I was in? The answer is no. She deserves to be in a situation where she is loved by the hero, not being used as a placeholder. Again, I've known this for 15 months. Why did I stay?

That's the curious thing. I was happy single. I didn't, and still don't, want a traditional relationship. I'm a romance writer who doesn't believe in soul mates, and since the age of 14 has felt her soul mate is dead or doesn't exist because I've never met anyone I've ever had a connection to outside of Eric. I didn't even have a soul connection with my ex-husband. But you turned around and it felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. I couldn't breathe. My soul screamed, and suddenly, I knew what all those damn love songs were about. At this moment in time, I feel like I could have lived my life without knowing this feeling and the astounding torture of losing you, and been just fine.

Again, I ask what purpose did you serve in my life? Why did God put you in my life only for you to leave it? I still don't understand and I'm not sure I ever will.

The vendor event went well. I got to hang out with Ashley and Jon and tell them what happened between us. It was nice having people understand our relationship, and also understand both sides. While they may not agree with how you left, at least they were there to listen, which is half the healing process. People who listen. They aren't the only people who have listened to me, but they were the first people I've told face-to-face. When I told a couple of my guy friends, it was all about getting me into bed. How is that helpful? I had 18 months with you and fell in love with you. It hasn't even been a week. That was the other nice part about Jon. He understood on a lot of levels, as did Ashley, and for 4 hours, I wasn't in pain.

Then I went to my Dad's company's Christmas party. It was fun and I was able to eat, which was great because I hadn't eaten all day. I was able to chat and distract myself from everything for a while until they turned on the music for dancing. At that point, it was too loud for conversation, and my thoughts drifted to you. I ended up messaging Jenn and telling her about my conversation with Matt and my thoughts on you. There was a moment when I thought I was going to start crying at the table, but I managed to pull it together.

We ended up at the Hen House, where I reconnected with the bartender. He and I went to college together. He played football and I used to interview him when I was the sports editor for The Lance. During the hour we spent there I was able to talk to my Dad's co-workers. There was one person there who I connected with. She and I talked for a while. I told them I was a writer/author and she kindly asked all sorts of questions. She was so easy to talk to that I told her about you and what happened. She told me she was sorry and asked how I was, I said it was fine and I was okay, but she knew I wasn't. I won't lie, I did start to cry but held it together. We chatted the entire time, and I gave her my number so she could pick my brain regarding a project she is working on.

I didn't let myself fall apart until I was at my house changing for bed. I gave myself 5 minutes to cry. Then I pulled myself back together, said a prayer for you like I always do, and got ready for bed. I think I'm going to go through my closet and get rid of all my lingerie. Get rid of every single piece I ever wore for you. I don't think it will make me feel better or help me heal, but it will give me something to do.

Goodnight, Handsome.

I love you.

December 8, 2023

Dear Handsome,

My eyes weren't as puffy this morning and I'm down another pound. I lose one more pound and I'll hit my 30-pound weight loss goal for the year. I've had two cups of coffee this morning, and am fresh out of distractions here at work. It's almost noon, so maybe I can make myself lunch. I think I might turn on Christmas music, but I'm not feeling very festive.

I am going to go scorched earth over the tiny house tonight and Sunday. I have an event tomorrow night as well as my Dad's Christmas party, so I won't be able to clean and put things away. However, I'm to a point now where I just want space over things, so I'm hoping that will inspire a productive cleaning spree.

It's now 2:51 p.m. and I finally ate lunch. It was some leftover pizza from my Dad's poker game. I don't even like pizza, but it was available this morning so I wouldn't have to drive my Mom's Highlander home for lunch. I'm still waiting to hear from my Uncle regarding my Mini. I forgot to grab my work keys out of it, so that has made today interesting.

I've plotted out my next book series. I'm going to base it on my dating life and these journals. Monitizing pain seems like the way to go. I'm sure there are people out there who would disagree, but as of right now, it's a fantastic idea. I have to wedge it in between my other projects for the new year, but it seems completely manageable.

As of now, I don't relish the idea of spending my birthday alone. I lamented that fact to Mike, who told me he was sorry. I even asked him what's wrong with me. I managed to avoid a breakdown at work, but not a few tears. He told me I was pretty and that there is nothing wrong with me. I disagree with him though. I think you're trying to win back your ex-wife, which means a couple of things – you still loved her the entire time you were with me, and I wasn't worthy of any form of consideration. Then a few days ago when I spoke to my ex-husband he all but admitted my ex-sister-in-law may have been the one that got away for him. I mean, it was bad enough when he told me he settled for me in September of last year, but then to follow that up with Tiffany wrecked me for any woman who came after her. Wow, thanks for that. Then there is Eric, who I felt a connection to, but he didn't feel one for me. He's married to a wonderful woman and they have 3 beautiful children. I'm tired of meeting men who don't want me.

If Messenger pings one more motherfucking time, I might have a mental breakdown. It's never you. I've silenced literally every notification and conversation I can on there just so it won't ping, but I can't do that with the cousin chat. Every time I feel the compulsion to check my phone, knowing deep inside my soul it won't be you, but that doesn't stop the hopefulness that maybe you've changed your mind. That maybe you cared more for me than you were willing to admit. Even as I type this I know I'm wrong, but God bless I wish I was right.

Why? Why were you in my life? What the fuck purpose have you served other than to crush me twice in as many weeks? When I see your name, which is the first and last name of way the fuck too many people, all I want to do is throw my phone. It would do absolutely nothing other than give me a new problem to fix, but I just want to stop feeling like my heart is being ripped out of my chest at every little thing that reminds me of you.

I wrote 7 sentences in Finders Keepers. If I could kill Dane off and give her a new love interest to marry I would. My fans and readers would burn my brand to the ground, but it might be worth it at this point. Then like a phoenix, I could rise from the ashes of my career. I need to finish that damn book. Then I can be done with Dane and Blythe for a while. I just need to focus for 5 or 6 more chapters, but I can't. Every time I try, I'm distracted by memories of you because, after all, you're Dane.

I made dream catchers tonight. It was a nice distraction. I also chatted with a nice guy named Mike. I'm hoping something comes of our conversations, like maybe a coffee date or something. There is another guy I'm talking to, but that's mostly us discussing writing. I don't see it going past where we are right now.

Chris is now messaging me. I don't think he is aware we are over... Unless he's been on Locals, in which case he is fully aware. Either way, he's on Messenger and it's triggering me. I was in the car for too long today. I never had full breakdowns, but I still broke down. I prayed for you each time. I hope your happy.

You know what I miss the most right now? The option to message you. Even if I didn't message you, there was still a choice. Now there isn't a choice. I also miss the sound of your voice, and your smile and laugh. When I made you smile or laugh it was a personal victory because I knew in that moment you were with me and the farthest away from the pain. Are you in pain? Have you found someone new? You're not on the dating sites, so I think you're trying to win her back.

As much as I wish you the best and every success and happiness, I can be selfish. I'll admit there is a small part of me that hopes you come back. I don't know why I have a soul connection with you, but you feel nothing for me. However, that could be explained by so many things, the least of which is your pain. I don't think we're done with each other, but that could be my pain and denial talking. It's close to midnight and I should attempt sleep. It never comes easy, but at least I stay asleep and haven't been dreaming, which is a win.

I love you. I wish I had told you that the last time I saw you. But you knew... It's why I'm sitting here writing this.

Goodnight.

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