December 6, 2023
Dear Handsome,
I woke up feeling committed to getting over you. In the four hours I've been awake, I've faltered in that commitment no less than a hundred times. It's 10:39 a.m. as I write this, and I'm feeling okay again. I turned on the coffee maker to make a cup when I first arrived at work, but still haven't gotten to it.
I've been responding to emails and placing orders for the Collector Edition of Emerging Ember over the last few hours. I also reordered business cards, and am trying to figure out what is going on with Liam's school file. This has been wonderful because it has allowed my mind to stop focusing on you. But now the distractions are over. I have finished my work, and my mind wanders back to you.
I want to talk. I don't dare send that in a message because I'm trying to play things cool and pretend I'm not as affected by your words as I am. I think I've finally found the numbness I was hoping for. I've been praying hard to God all morning. I may have also bargained with Him too. I just want you back. I know how desperate that sounds, but it's the truth. We can be friends. I want to have a conversation and hammer out an arrangement. I meant it when I said I'd rather have you in my life than not at all, but it takes two people to want a relationship, and I don't know where you're at.
Night has fallen. I survived the afternoon at work by staying busy. There were several times when I couldn't get you out of my head, like when I drove home for lunch. It's only a 6-minute drive, but it brought me to my knees. I grabbed the pizza I bought last night and forced myself to eat it. There was a moment when I thought it was going to come up, but I managed to keep it down. I never did make myself coffee at work.
Then there was the drive to McDonalds for Makya's Happy Meal. My Falling In Reverse playlist helped me on the way there but then turned against me in the drive-thru with songs like “I Miss You” by Blink 182, “Lips of an Angel” by Hinder, “Broken” by Seether, and “Nicotine” by Panic! At the Disco. I quickly turned to Christmas music, but again, Pandora was out to get me by playing only instrumental versions. This led to a mini meltdown as I was rolling to the speaker to give them my mobile code. The 12-minute drive home wasn't much better. By the time I parked my car, I was sobbing into my steering wheel asking God why the fuck He would bring you into my life only for you to leave.
I managed to hold it together for almost a half hour as I got Makya settled so I could take a shower, where you guessed it – I proceeded to cry for another 10 minutes. There was even a moment with I begged my brother to help me from the other side and have Handsome message me. A half-hour later, my childhood friend Jimmy messaged me. He saw my newly restored dating profile back on Tinder and figured something happened between us. So far, he's been a good distraction from the pain.
I matched with a few guys on FB dating, and they are messaging me. So there's that. I haven't heard from the New Guy, but then he works two full-time jobs. It's yet another reason why I don't think will work out with us. Meanwhile, I'm not comparing any of the guys to you, so that's progress. But if I see your fucking name one more time, I'm going to throw my phone. I swiped no to at least 5 or 6 matches in a row because they had your name. I thought that was enough FB Dating. I moved over to Tinder where the first 4 matches also shared your name. That was when I started losing it again. Fortunately, Makya was in the shower, so he didn't notice his aunt having an emotional breakdown over a 5 letter name.
I made the mistake of pulling up Messenger to check on a group chat and saw you were on. There was a solid hour-long debate with myself as to whether I should message and ask if we could please for the love of God have a conversation in person. Clearly, I didn't message you. Instead, I leaned against the bathroom door for 10 minutes as I sobbed again over how I just wanted to talk to you. I then turned to Snapchat and messaged my guy friend Izzy. At the end of the message to him, I proposed marriage. It caught him off-guard, but I told him I would be better off with him than trying to find someone else at this point. He had to concede my point.
As I sit here typing this, it's 10:33 p.m. All I can think about is what you're doing... Are you playing Call of Duty? Are you finding another woman to talk to? Are you entertaining another woman? Are you watching one of your TV shows or movies? Are you thinking of me? Or are you thinking of your ex-wife, wishing you were with her? The ironic part of this is that even when we were in our situationship, these were still my thoughts.
I miss you. I crave you and am longing for you on a level I didn't know I was capable of. I have asked God why at least a billion times. I have prayed for you at least a dozen times, and when I go to be in 20 minutes, I'll pray for you again, like I do every night. Why? Because I love you. And I don't think that will ever change. I think 5 years from now, a part of me will still be in love with you, because again, the first time I ever saw you, my soul recognized you.
I don't know what you want from me. Do you want me to let you go? Are you saying this because everyone in your life leaves and you wish they would fight to stay? I don't know. I just know when I was in your shoes and pushing people away, very few stayed through the pain of my self-destructive behavior of self-sabotage. That's why I'm giving you a week, and then I'm telling you about Emerging Ember and Barnes and the sales. Then I'll let go again, like I always do, and challenge myself to go 2 weeks without messaging you. When I hit that mark, I'll push myself to 3 weeks. My hope is, you'll come around to being friends, but time will tell.
I love you.
Goodnight.
